The Hidden

Most mothers want to find their children.
Most adopted people want to find their mothers.
Some do not.

A  few (very few) women do not want to meet their children. Period. They moved on and want the past left in the past. So, if you do find your mother and she denies knowing you or chooses not to meet with you, let it go. Send her your contact information, drop her a card now and then, but let it go. Keep a diary for all your angst -- don't bother her with it, don't hound her, don't stalk her, etc. Perhaps she never dealt with the experience, or she really did move on. Thank God, that is rare, but it does happen.

Most girl/mothers from past generations were told, "Never speak of this, again." Most were warned never to search for their children. They were told their children would look for their mothers, if and when they want to. Of course, with closed adoption records and false birth certificates, few adoptees could find their mothers.

Please, be careful and respectful when you find your mother or family members. Don't show up on her doorstep! By mail or email, send her your name, date of birth, address, telephone number, email address and a recent photograph. Maybe, she will change her mind. Maybe not. Post your photo, birth date and place of birth on web sites like

Then, there is a whole category of folks I call the "bite me" adoptees. They are curious about their mothers, but when they find them or meet them, they soon drop them .. and stay hidden from them. I'm not talking about the typical "pull-back" scenario that usually happens in a reunion. I mean the adoptees who bitterly judge their mothers for having "given" them away and have this "Bite me!" attitude. Or, the adoptees who were brought up with lots of money and way too much training in assessing the class and social status of potential friends ... and relatives.

Most of those BMAs search out of curiosity, chit-chat with their mothers and then dump them when they don't see much in common, socio-economically, with their adoptive families. Adoptees owe their mothers at least one in-person meeting in a neutral place. And, if they don't want to see their mothers again, they at least owe them occasional informative email updates with current contact information. You know the drill: display all those good manners you learned at home...:)

Mothers and adoptees who stay hidden ought to reconsider their decision. At the very least, let each other know you are alive and well. I urge you to meet, at least one time. Be courteous and polite. If you both are decent human beings, why not keep in contact?

There is a saying in 12-step programs: You are as sick as your secrets. I urge mothers and adoptees to tell the truth. Life is too short to perpetuate the illusions imposed on us by a culture of intolerance and an industry that thrives on coercion and lies.

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