“I died on the day they took my child from my arms. They pulled each one of my fingers back until they got him loose from me, his mother.
What did I do to deserve this? Did I drink or do drugs? No. Did I kill someone? No. Someone wanted my beautiful, white, male child and they got him.
A social worker played God. I was young. My Mother did not want me to keep my child. So they took him because ... because they could. I thought I'd be taking my child home from the hospital, but my mother had already signed the surrender papers. “
Vicki went on to say that she had nightmares and emotional problems. She looked for her son, everywhere.
“I would go to every fair and parade to look for my lost son in the crowd. It never stopped. I looked at every 1 year old when he was one. I tried to kill myself on his 1st birthday. But the social worker and my Mother knew what was best for me. I looked and looked for my boy.”
She married and had another son.
“When they put him in my arms and wheeled us out of the hospital together, I cried. People thought those were tears of joy. They were not. I was crying because I did n't think they would let me take this one home either, and I missed my first born.”
She had another child, a baby girl, and said she was over-protective with her children ... always afraid something would happen to them.
"I feel no-one comes close to understanding our grief but the woman whose child was taken by a stranger. They are in the same limbo, is my child dead or alive?
"He was gone, just gone. Gone forever. I still went to fairs, etc. to sit on the bench to look at babies, toddlers, kids, to look and see if I thought I saw my baby. They wrecked my life. They killed me that day. They just didn't bury me."
Vicki found her first-born son ... and she is now married to his father, who had never been told she was pregnant.
"Yes, we are all together again. But it is NOT the same.
To those pregnant young women wondering if they should I surrender their child, Vicki says, "NO, God, NO!!!!!! You will not be pregnant, broke and young forever. Your life will get better."
Vicki feels that adoption is death to the first family. To the girl/mothers she advises, "Don't do it, you'll never be the same. The pain does not go away, or get less with time. It gets worse. Keep your baby. I tried to keep mine. I don't wish anyone the pain I have lived through.”
This is Vicki Miller's painting. It is now in The Mothers Project.